This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
