You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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