i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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