He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
