True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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