Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
