dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
