Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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