Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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