Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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