Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
