Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
