I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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