My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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