He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
