I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
