People with herpes should wear stickers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
