Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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