Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
