I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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