why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
