It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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