Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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