Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
