HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
