I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
