How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
