Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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