I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
