Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
