i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
