I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh god it's open bar.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
