Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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