so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
