If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
