i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
