her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
