are you still at the devil's house?
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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