I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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