I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
