I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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