I love black thongs
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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