No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
