I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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