woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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