I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
