I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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