I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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