You're my little dorito
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
