you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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