idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your cock deserves a montage
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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