so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
