btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
