These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
